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I thought Row vs. Wade was Washington`s decision when he reached the Delaware.
The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I`m going to drink tonight.
We can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I`m still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.
Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.
I know you think you´re interesting because you have an accent. But a drunken slur is not an accent.
My inner child is a drunken whore
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won´t spoil me.
Let`s start by taking some notes today. I`m fabulous bitches! Write that down.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
Guys say that women should come with instructions, but what`s the point. Have you ever seen a man read instructions?
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!
Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn’t have borrowed all that money.
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."