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Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…
I just had a conversation with my-self...but it just turned into an argument. I think it`s that time of the month...
for some reason my plans to workout never work out
If your pillow fort hasn’t got an armory filled with Nerf guns, then you’re not really taking pillow forting as seriously as you should be.
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I`m too lazy to learn science too.
"But why?" - Me at weddings
Although tequila is highly toxic, it can be used to dissolve the friend zone.
I don’t mind going to work. It’s that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
All these women on the 48 dating sites I`ve joined, seem so f*cking sad and desperate.
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.
I`m smiling, that alone should scare you.