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We live in the era of smartphones & stupid people
Our parents always taught us NOT to write on walls... Facebook teaches us differently
I’m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You’re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what’s going on here.
My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should`ve died in 1781...
If you`re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.
Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don`t want to hear about it.
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
So far, I`ve had exactly "call my ex" number of beers tonight!!!
I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
People with kids, your posts are all the birth control I need.
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.
I sent off for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested it would be in my best interest that I just start over.