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Its all fun and games until you realize your Capri Sun has no straw.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Hump Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
If you live by the sword, I guess that is pretty cool. I live by some trees and shit.
Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. A broken heart makes you wiser. And alcohol makes you not remember any of that sh!t.
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
When we give each other a thumbs up, it`s our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
I can`t believe I was late for work tomorrow..
I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Love going into a crowded area and yelling, "Hey stupid!!" and seeing how many people turn around.
It`s really crazy that you don`t hear a round of applause every time you order a salad.
It`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes on Facebook.
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.