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I find you`re total lack of ambition is inspiring.
I consider anything that doesn`t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Dyslexics of the world.. UNTIE!
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
Presidents’ Day is just another made up holiday to sell more presidents
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge??
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
If you`re wondering why you`re single, date someone. You`ll remember
I really respect people that don`t drink excessively, gamble, curse, do drugs, spend excessively, act irresponsibly and stay up late. And by "respect" I mean "don`t wanna hang out with"
If there`s no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra`s?
It’s not you. It’s my ears. They just make you sound so boring and dull.
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
Does this floor I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?