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I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.... Today..!!
I`d better check my phone for texts from friends. *checks phone* Well, I`d better get some friends...
I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack ;)
The awkward moment when you look both ways down a one way street.
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
Whoever said "Lets do that" in the meeting for the pop-tarts without frosting, should be fired
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
"It gotten SOOO cold in D.C., politicians have their hands in their OWN pockets!"
Step aside coffee… this is a job for booze.
I`m "BE KIND & REWIND" years old.