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Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
According to my neighbor’s journal, I have boundary issues.
Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
Dont piss me off...I`ll give your number to all the kids and tell them it`s Santa`s hot line!
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name...
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
My boss doesn’t like it when I play slavery songs at work….
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
If she burns the bacon, she`s no good bro
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
Don’t get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap a better status than yours!