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My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
I´m playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can´t get off the couch or I´ll die.
I`ve been hiding from exercise. I`m in the fitness protection program.
Girls here is an idea.. instead of spending that much money on make up just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn`t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me...
Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn`t going to help me type any faster.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
If I ever get off this couch, I’ll be unstoppable.
If I laugh randomly when you are talking to me, don`t worry, the voices are telling me jokes.
I`m not sarcastic…I`m just intellegent beyond your understanding.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.