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Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere.
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
This salad is delicious, probably because it`s a donut.
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos!
My neighbor was singing in the shower again this morning. I didn’t mind though as I can`t hear anything through the telescope.
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
Didn`t win the lotto again ... send prayers.
Well that’s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I’m doing
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
Apparently it`s ok to leash your dog to a bike rack, but it`s illegal to leash your kid to one. Parenting is hard...
Falling out of bed the fun way. Oh wait, there isn`t a fun way....
hilarious
I was born to be happy… not normal.