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Tattoos are like potato chips. You can`t have just one.
A wireless bra? They weren`t tricky enough, now I need a password?
If Monday had a face, I´d punch it.
There’s been over 30 billion messages posted on Facebook, and yet most of us have never even talked to our neighbors.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Sometimes I find myself envious of how well Waldo can hide..
Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?
Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
We get it people on Facebook. You`re married, you have kids, you`re happy. Calm down.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
Marriage. The world`s oldest form of identity theft.
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
You use Google every day but I bet you can’t remember the order of the colors.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.