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Sometimes I feel bad about the things I say and do, but today is not one of those days.
How do you know you`re old? ... Check your glove box for paper maps ...
I enjoy being the black sheep of the family ... Black sheep are the prettiest & don`t show as much dirt as the white ones.
The only thing I hate about beer is that there`s absolutely nothing I hate about beer... :)
I don`t know about you . But everytime I go on Twitter , I get this weird feeling , I am being followed.
You know that you have eaten way too much junk food when you start actually craving something healthy.
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
If I was rich, I´d do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.
Dieting Tip, 1. Make a list of people who have a problem with your weight, 2. Cut them out of your life. 3. Enjoy having lost Hundreds of pounds of Idiots.
I`m hungry, but I`m not `cook something` hungry.
I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won`t buy the book.