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I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
Doctor says I`m morbidly a beast. Thanks doc.
5 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
Happy Hallogivemas!!!!!! It`s the time of year when the stores sell Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff all on ONE aisle!
If no one from the future comes back to stop you, is it really that bad of an idea?
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
Note to self: Stop leaving notes to yourself, you never read them anyway...
I like confusing kids by telling them I`m older than the internet
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
I can’t believe that all these “single ladies in my area” want to meet me, must be due to all the “free Ipads” I’ve been winning.
Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)
I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)
I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.
wishes that more people would declare thumb wars these days. I`m sure that all this texting has prepared my thumb muscles for battle.