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As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it`s a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
If your man is reluctant to talk about his feelings, it’s probably because you haven’t told him what they are yet.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
Why is the guy who serves you at the restaurant called a waiter, when it is you that is waiting?
Good things come to those who wait. Better things come if you stop f*cking around and make sh!t happen.
When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
If you were a cookie, you’d be a whoreo.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
Having to cash in my State Quarter Collection`s map for gas money is reaching a new low.
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.
I don’t care if it’s 1 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
have you ever looked at someone and thought, "yeah you definitely have someone locked away in your basement."