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I don`t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
NEVER go to a wet t shirt contest drunk. I won 2nd place.
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I`m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
Of course I`m using OJ as a mixer, it`s flu season.
I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.
I`m currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It`s called b*tches and hoes
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I`m scared that it`s closed.
I`m going to stop off at the fabric store before my next status to get some new material!
Given enough coffee, I believe I could rule the world.
Why must I prove I`m me, if I`m callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!