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Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
take me drunk i`m home
If it were easy then everyone would act like me.
Things to do today.....pet all the spiders in my house at least twice with my shoe.
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn`t for any religious reasons. They couldn`t find three wise men and a virgin.
If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say "science appreciates you".
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"
times new roman walks into a bar. "sorry, we don`t serve your type."
Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.
If you win a years supply of calendars, you would only win 1 calendar.
There`s a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.
All I want is to see you smile...that and maybe a pizza.
I already know that I`m going to hell ... At this point it`s really go big or go home.
Moral compass? Is there an app for that?