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What if Egyptians actually had a written language, then started using emojis, and that’s all that’s left?
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
I dont want to sound like a badass or anything but I play Wii without the wrist strap on....
My house isn’t dirty, I just have everything on display.
I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself "do I want to see it?" If you do, it`s not on Netflix.
You`ve got to love yourself. But not in public places.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking!
Silence is Golden, unless you`re married.. Then Silence is Suspicious.
You know you are the ugly one if they ask you to take the photo.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
Even hoarders throw their chapstick away if someone else uses it.