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If you have a dog grooming business and it’s not called “Doggie Style” then something is wrong with you.
only 9530 days until retirement.
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
I have done some truly amazing things to get the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
My illusion of having the Force is crushed the minute the remote is slightly out of reach.
I just missed winning the lottery by only 6 numbers.
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
So apparently airport security doesn`t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.
I`m not lazy... I`m in energy saving mode.
It`s 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.
Drank way too much beer last night. Didn`t leave any for this morning.
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.
You can`t run from your problems. unless your fat.