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Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
Attention!! Today I am traveling back in time to right some wrongs in this world. You will know I succeeded if the Germans lost WW2 and that Thursday comes before Wednesday.
Change is hard. Seriously have you ever tried to bite a nickel?
My business card is just a label I peeled off a beer bottle.
Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
I`d go to church if they had Wi-Fi.
Mouth the word " vacuum" to a stranger & see what happens.
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn`t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.
Step aside coffee… this is a job for booze.
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!
My "Kiss me, I`m Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.
You must be a parking ticket or something for the word FINE is written all over you.
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.