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I`m in the awkward time period between not wanting to have pants on, and having to wait for the pizza guy right now...
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
I am not the same person at 8am and 8pm.
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
You can`t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them & hope they panic & give in.
I want my tombstone to say "It didn`t make me stronger."
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 8 times,......Your probably a woman.
I really hope my spirit animal is a bear because well I would love to hibernate all winter.
There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.
All I know about sex is from Internet Porn, I`ve tried everything except `Buffering`.
Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.