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Do you ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they aren`t talking?
Call me faithless, but I just can`t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.
11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.
Tip of the day: When the cop asks you if you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours, do NOT ask them for the time... trust me
Its sad that we live in a world that puts words into the dictionary if enough stupid people use it.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a complete loser.
Her: I love it when we finish each other`s Him: pancakes
If a cannibal is late for dinner, do they give him the cold shoulder?
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.
All these years and I still don`t understand why they didn`t put Kevin Bacon in Grease.