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If you’re going to walk really slowly in front of me you should at least have the courtesy to have a slammin booty.
Wine doesn`t have many vitamins. That`s why you have to drink a lot of it.
If I ran my legs as much as I did my mouth, I`d be in fantastic shape.
Do the other settings on the washer actually do anything?
I hate when I get to the office and there isn’t a smoking crater where the building is.
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that`s another weakness
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.
All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
Time to try some of this candy from the Easter "bunny"... Can`t trust anything you find laying in the yard these days.
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.
Before Walmart you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded lady!
According to my current parking spot I`m a physician.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.