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My neck, My back, My Netflix and my snacks...
I spent an hour at Walmart last night.. I can now totally disprove evolution.. O_o
Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I`m made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
You`ve really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can`t reach it.
A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took....
When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it`s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!!
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick`s Day.
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
I`m going to become a hermit as soon as I find a cave with a decent wifi connection.