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Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
Adulthood is mostly about being tired and wishing you hadn’t made plans.
I consider anything that doesn`t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
Today is the 1st anniversary of the end of the world. Can you believe it`s been a year since the world ended? Time sure flies when it`s the apocalypse.
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.
She said there`s no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I`m supposed to just "forget about it"?
I try not to laugh at my own jokes. But we all know I`m hilarious.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
If the best things in life really are free, why am I still getting charged at the liquor store? I call bullshit
I wish real life had as many ejection seats as cartoons.
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.
Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.