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Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
Walmart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Walmart is going to invade Costco.
Screw love... I`d rather fall in chocolate.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
Beach Rule #17: Never ask anyone under the age of 35 if they`ve seen your shuttlecock
I`ve never done any mistake twice... three, four times may be!
If you cannot FACE your problem, then the problem is your FACE.
Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn`t want to talk too.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.