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I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
If you see me talking to myself don`t be alarmed. I`m getting expert advice.
My son and his friends are great ... They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
Homeless people should make more creative signs like "I bet you can`t hit me with a quarter...b!tch!"
Did you know that one minute of kissing burns 26 calories? No wonder those sluts are so damn skinny.
I don`t care what people think of me. It can`t be half as bad as what I think of them...
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.
One of the biggest decisions when you go to college is whether to join a fraternity or just be an asshole on your own.
If 3 people have sex, it`s called a 3-some. If 2 people have sex, it`s called a 2-some. I guess we now know why they call you HAND-some.