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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
“I don’t watch tv” proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
I bet the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial doesn`t ever ride his motorcycle on Martin Luther King Blvd in any town.
Everyone has their area of expert knowledge.... if any of you need tips on how to do absolutely nothing amazingly well, let me know.
Click Like, if you hate being told what to do.
Omg!! got 6 numbers on the Lotto.. and the stupid machine didn´t pick any of them
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...
You know you are the ugly one if they ask you to take the photo.
Why do I even have unlimited texting?
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!
If I had spoken to my parents the way some children do now, I would not be here to share this status.