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The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.
I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
Taco Bell drive-thru should have a “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
Sometimes, in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
I hate in video games how penguins always use their ability to slide on their stomachs for evil
There`s this cool trick I do where I post whatever the f*ck I want becasue this is my account, not yours.
I was on the treadmill for 20 minutes this morning. Tomorrow I might even turn it on, but let’s not rush into things.
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it`s oatmeal raisin.
My life is based on a true story
College is the only time in which being poor and drunk is acceptable.
When I say "Have a nice day." Remember the f*cker on the end is silent.
Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...
*Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won’t.
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.