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Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
For those of you wondering what it`s like to be married, I`m on day 3 of an argument I didn`t know I was having.
Calm down! I`m not officially late until I actually get there.
I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.
Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.
It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.
If you can`t celebrate Valentine`s Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
Mirrors don’t lie. And, lucky for me, they don’t laugh either.
LIKE if you hide your favorite food from your family
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how in love you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
you know it`s a good fart when it wakes you from a dead sleep and you pull a butt muscle at the same time.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
Two things everybody wants: 1) Lose weight. 2) Eat.
The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.