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Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
One day, I will solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be with alcohol.
I´m pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and I´ll let you know.
This town has more white trash in it than a dumpster behind a paper plate factory
I don`t have issues... I AM an issue
I´m playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can´t get off the couch or I´ll die.
I saw a baby wearing a bib that said, “This dumbass put my cape on backwards”
If Jesus is the reason for the season.......why is the church parking lot empty and Wal Marts is full?
I hate when someone has a loud conversation on their cell phone and then gives me dirty looks for jotting down everything they say.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life`s mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
Forgotten pocket money is the best!
Jogging with a stroller is great exercise! And hard work for whoever is pushing me.