Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
Some days are just not meant to be productive.
Tire rotation? Nice try, mechanic! I rotated my tires like a thousand times on the drive over here.
At any given time, my wallet is worth more than it’s contents.
When I`m bored, I dress up as Waldo, walk up to strangers (in a crowded airport), and say "psssst... if ANYBODY asks......YOU ain`t seen me... capiche?"
I was an atheist, until I realized I was a sex god.
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS? EUROPE: How can we save our economy? AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Flight 370, proven harder to find then the G spot :-/
Baby.. I wanna be the reason you need therapy.
How I sing it: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G,....H, I, J, K, A LEMON OH PEE!....Q, R, S....T, U, V....W, X....Y, and Z."
All of my plans for the future start out with “when I get rich”
The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.