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I will always love you, even if I have to from no closer than 300 feet.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Who`s further now, the Energizer Bunny or Voyager 1?
For Lent I`ve decided to give up my New Year`s Resolutions
Ways to die: Steal my food.
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
I don`t like it here anymore. As soon as I find my pants, I`m leaving!
Siri, where are my pants?
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
It`s as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.
"You should`ve come with us!" well, inviting me would`ve helped..
This is not the status message you are looking for .... Move along
Sometimes you just need to do something stupid while sober so that people will leave you alone about your drinking.