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How can so many movies be “based on real events” when no one farts?
It should be standard for wedding invitations to state if there will be an open bar or not.
United should roll out Rodeo Rewards where you get paid based on how long you are able to stay on the plane when you are chosen to volunteer.
I make way more decisions than I should based on the battery life of my phone.
A pessimist thinks that all women are sluts. An optimist hopes that they are.
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
Girls here is an idea.. instead of spending that much money on make up just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
Is everything expensive or am I simply poor?
My house has really let itself go.
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.
be smart, pretend to be stupid!