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When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
Attention!! Today I am traveling back in time to right some wrongs in this world. You will know I succeeded if the Germans lost WW2 and that Thursday comes before Wednesday.
Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone`s mouth while they`re talking?
The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.
Facebook is the best place to say whatever you want. If it doesn’t go over well you can just say you were hacked.
If you want to preview of the new iPhone 8 and try it out for free before buying it just look at your iPhone 7 and pretend it cost several hundred dollars more.
If you receive an e-mail that says: ``FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS`` Don`t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
When someone tells me I`m going to hell, I`m like "yeah, duh, I work there part time as a tour guide!"
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Which one of you is Moderation? I keep getting told we need to drink together.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you`ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Better late than pregnant.
Nice try speed bumps, it`s a rental.