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When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called Lunch.
Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
Baby gates are parents` way of saying "this area is locked until you’ve gained more experience."
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
I’m not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.
I’m not a schizophrenic… At least, that’s what all the voices tell me.
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
I don`t know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish`s Birth date.
Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
I have an inferiority complex,,,,,, but it isn`t a very good one.