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Stovetop Directions: 1.) Use microwave.
life is unfair theres 6 days between monday and sunday but only 1 between sunday and monday
It`s not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn`t figure out how to get the cork back in it.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you`ll meet the man of your dreams.
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I wish "it`s the thought that counts" worked for housework.
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
I saw a cool bumper sticker on a back of a SUV . . . “Do you follow Jesus this close?”
Sometimes I want to comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08' album at 4am.
If you try to pronounce “lmao” you sound like a french cat.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.