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There’s a wild side to EVERY innocent face.
Every woman in this world is beautiful...........except for the ugly ones!
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can`t remember what they are.
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
There comes a time in the day, when no matter what the question, the answer is booze.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.
If you`re wondering why you`re single, date someone. You`ll remember
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days..
I`m so bitchy right now ... I won`t even talk to myself!!
It`s not my official job but basically all I do is piss people off.
I saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as "grabbing for swirling dollars inside a Plexiglas Cash Cube."
"You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.