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My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
I saw a guy today at Starbucks. He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop. He just sat there drinking his coffee. Like a psychopath.
Why is it when you go to get your drivers license photo, they tell you to smile. Your not smiling when the police pull you over.
The best things in life require no pants.
Golf, except there`s no balls or clubs or anything, and you just drive around in a cart and drink.
If someone doesn’t stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it’s totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.
I found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
Damn you auto correct mind your business.
If kids are so wonderful why do you have to pay people to watch them?
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married, right?
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
Depresso; the feeling you get when you’ve run out of coffee.
Forgotten pocket money is the best!
"I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone" -girls who can`t figure out boyfriend`s passwords