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I`m not saying I`m lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my car so I just wrote back "nah"
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
I`ve created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on Lego it doesn`t hurt. You just get taller.
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Forget resolutions, Imma just say from now on... TGIS "Thank God I Survived" ! :)
If I’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that I need a wolf.
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
If it wasn’t for profanity, I wouldn’t be a pro at anything.
I`m just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson`s to take his family members to the vet and get them microchipped.
I`m jealous of my parents, I`ll never have kids as cool as theirs.
I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
Early reports indicate I`m gonna be drunk all weekend.