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Your family tree has a couple of coconuts
Weather forecast for tonight: dark
One day, I`m gonna wait for the Wal-Mart greeter to go on a bathroom break, step in their place, and begin welcoming everyone to K-mart.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn`t much, but the reception was excellent.
Day 8. You should be thankful that I`m medicated
A man made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind ... And now, we wait...
Oh honey, you`re not pretty enough to be that stupid
I liked you better before we met.
Don’t judge me until you’ve walked a mile with my shoes….shoved up your a$$.
In retrospect, I suppose "harder" wasn`t the best choice of a safe word.
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it`s lettuce.
The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants
I`m the type of person that will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened days ago.
Remember, life isn`t about accumulating stuff. It`s about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.