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ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
The part of “no” that I don’t understand is the part where I don’t get what I want.
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
It would be cool if you heard a thunder bug a few seconds after you saw a lightning bug.
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
Just one more drink and then I`m outta here" is one of my favorite lies.
The only F word out a woman`s mouth that scares me is "fine."
had a great time horseback riding today but then I ran out of quarters
cuss words = sentence enhancers
What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what I’m doing.
I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough
Why don`t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace