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How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.
Alcohol doesn´t solve any problems ... but then again, neither does milk.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face. I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I don`t like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don`t need that kind of pressure.
Kinda surprised I`m not an action figure by now.
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
Choosing A Career Is Like Chosing A Wife From 10 Girls. Even If You Pick The Most Beautiful, Intelligent, Kindest Woman, There`s Still Pain Of Losing The Other 9
If all men are created equal then why are there midgets?
I keep my TV volume at "screw the neighbors".
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
Admit it. When you go to the zoo, the first thing you look at is the Camel`s foot.
I`m never free but I`m available.
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?
My stove top knob reads, LO | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 10 | HI......so what is Med-High, Medium Low?...They just need to lay it out for me in numbers! Like "set stove top to 8." no wait, 9.? Food manufacturerers and stove manufactuerers need to get toghether on this! So let me see,..... (me thinking)....if ten is high...5 is medium that means 7.5..... WAIT!.....low would be 0 so HI would be 12???....WTF!!! forget about simmer!........HEY KIDS! WHO WANTS PIZZA!
I`ve never heard an alarm going off on a car worth stealing.