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Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
I`m not insulting you, I`m describing you.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.
Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon.
Learned today that it`s about 12 min after realizing there`s no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are.
Make fun of George Bush all you want, but he would have found a way to bomb North Korea before they shut down Hollywood.
Drake isn`t even a rapper anymore. He`s an emotion, like "how are you doing today?" "idk im feeling kinda drake though"
You call it free samples, I call it a free all you can eat buffet.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a beer while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care..
Some people just bring out the psycho in me
I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
I hate when people stare at me and don’t say anything. I mean if you want an autograph or a picture just ask..!
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.