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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
Please don`t post that political joke you just came up with. . . it really wasn`t that funny to begin with. Thanks for understanding. -the rest of us
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.
So far,,, I`ve spent 300% of this week exaggerating.
just bought 400 copies of Hoarders: Season 1. Not sure what to do with them.
If they were really trying to prepare high school kids for “real life” they would offer a class called “working with a$$holes”
Remembering to remember is always the first thing I forget.
How can they have a Facebook group called Facebookers Anonymous? That`s like trying to hold a successful AA meeting in a bar.
FYI: I`m never gonna tell the person I`m meeting up with that you said hi.
Going to make pizza for dinner!! Ingredients Required: Phone, Menu & Credit Card.. Ohhh I can smell it cooking already!! ;)
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?