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It`s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible.
*Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat ... not two cats in one.
When I tell stories about people I don’t like, I give them ridiculous voices.
I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you`re interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn`t our lawn ever look that nice?"
I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn`t look that much different from my actual head.
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.
I met a guy exactly like my father so I brought him home and my mom shot him.
Facebook is perfect for those people that have never been very good at waiting for their turn to speak.
I will be forever in your debt if you would just loan me 1 million dollars.
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.