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People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream.
I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
Apparently, the answer "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed
I`m not sure if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
I hate when my mom tells people I`m 503 months old.
I dont mind if you call me Crazy, but dont you dare call me stupid. Because to be this crazy some intelligence is definitely required.
This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that`s also the last time I`ll buy cheap toilet paper...
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
Ladies: Sometimes you just need to throw your arms up in the air and say, "Tie me up"
Don`t expect me not to hopscotch all over your house if you have fancy tiles.
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren`t a thing.
Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 than age 6.
In my day we had to roll the windows up and down with our bare hands.
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.