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I think I really have an amazing butt. Every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say "what an ass.."
Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf.
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
If no one from the future comes back to stop you, is it really that bad of an idea?
If I gave you a penny for your thoughts I`d totally be expecting some change back.
Pretty much the only time I want to hear about your ex is if she`s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I`m good.
Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
I think, therefore i`m single.
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It`s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
It`s damn funny when a wife think`s she`s punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..
How strict is the "I licked it, it`s mine" policy? There`s some things I`ve licked that I don`t want.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?