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If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
Forecast for the weekend... mild alcoholism, with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.
Sometimes words just aren`t enough. And that`s why we have middle fingers.
As a child, my mom told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
I could do so much more if I only had minions.
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
With all the potato chip flavors available now, I see no point in buying actual food...
If you don`t know me by now....I`m a really good stalker.
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
why waste your brain cells to think of a comment when you can just like someone else`s?
People who actually rate porn videos are the unsung heroes of our generation.
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you’ll still never get your own back.
I love Costco. You don`t go there thinking you`re gonna buy a 12-pack of watermelons but you`ll probably leave with one.