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Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight
Why do baby clothes have pockets?
I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.
I have many thoughts. I just can´t remember any of them.
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.
Steve Jobs` text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" Iphone autocorrect strikes again!
They have all those non-smoking laws in public places so let’s now all focus on passing some perfume/cologne usage limits.
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
Someone offered me grapes, but I declined. I`m not used to consuming wine in pill form.
Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with my car.
Like a good neighbor, strip clubs are there
is at the park. Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m at work.
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!