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Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I`m going to need those back.
I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don’t be mad, I’ll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I`ll be out sick.
My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.
Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn`t trust with a Glo-Stick Day.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
Single ladies, stop saying you should just give up & get a cat , if no man wants you , don`t force an innocent cat to live with you..
I have to be funny because being hot is not an option.
"You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.