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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.
When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you`ll meet the man of your dreams.
What`s the difference between "Ooooo" and "Ahhh"? About 3 inches.
If you have attention deficit disorder, throwing boomerangs isn`t for you.
Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I`ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
The only F word out a woman`s mouth that scares me is "fine."
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
The NFL has hired their first female referee ... She will be throwing flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.
A slutty girl is like the first slice of bread in a loaf. Everybody touches it but nobody wants it.
"Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we`re gonna have to ask you to leave."
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.