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I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
People who live in glass houses should not throw orgies
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
I know you`re the instructor but I`ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza.
I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that`s my stuff!"?
If you see me laughing like a crazy person, think nothing of it ..it`s just the voices in my head telling me jokes!
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
Why is it called `after dark`, when it is really after light
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.