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I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
Is "blowjob" one word or two words? God I hate writing thank you cards. -Bfanch
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
Anybody know where the cheapest place to buy 12 red roses is?.....just asking for a friend.
Life is Hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.
I try to find the good in every situation. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
When I woke up this morning everything in my house had been stolen and replaced with exact replicas... WEIRD..
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that`s just for the alcohol.
I hate when a website has a picture that you can click and enlarge. Then the "enlarged picture" is the same exact size as the thumbnail!
I mostly use Facebook to remember why I stopped hanging out with certain people.