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Whatever I did to make you hate me, I’d like to know. I have other people I can use that on.
I`m now fit to make my regular annual resolution. The accomplishment is the problem
I order all my food with extra gluten.
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
With Halo 4, Black Ops II and Assasins Creed III, I think November might register the lowest teen pregnancy rates in a long time!
"Why?" - Socrates and four year-olds
Yoga is a great way to meet and embarrass yourself in front of women
my imaginary friend thinks ur crazy? an shes hot!
A child`s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order.
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
My friend said the only vegetable that could make him cry was an onion. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.
Not to brag, but I still owe Blockbuster $2.00 for not rewinding Weekend at Bernies.
I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I´m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"