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I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
Given enough coffee, I could rule the world.
Some marriages end up fine, the others last forever.
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
Sarcasm. Because communicating with morons is hard.
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
If you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin, muffins are healthy :) your welcome.
Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever person.
Who needs the weather network when you have Facebook.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Never piss off the person that cooks your dinner ... EVER!
I`d like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: "Those ba$tards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."