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Girls who say "alot of guys are after me" should keep in mind that cheap things always attract many customers.
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.
I don’t know why Tampax and Hershey have not joined forces yet. Taping a pack of Reese’s to a box of tampons could literally save lives.
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024....
Worrying: a waste of imagination.
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I`m available.
If I’m not eating I’m most likely not happy.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
I just put Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations.
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.
It`s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he`s getting hit by a train.