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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
Fun Fact: A pizza will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
The more you know. Daylight Savings started back in 1964 when Jerry Daylight Savings was an hour late for work & convinced his boss all the clocks were wrong.
Dear Santa, I was framed!
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
I`m bringing sexy back...if I only I can remember where I had it last....
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I’m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
Of course you have a right to your own opinion. Just like I have a right to tell you to shove it up your a$$.
The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work..
Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle.
In order to avoid hating myself in the morning, I sleep till noon.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.