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If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
If you can`t handle me at my worst...I don`t blame you, neither can I.
Sure, Men love funny women. As long as they are pretty...and skinny...and they have a great pair of knockers!!
When you`re out & your cell battery is low: 1) lower screen brightness 2) turn off WiFi 3) crawl under table 4) weep softly til help arrives
Liquor makes me happy, You ..... not so much.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Life in the fast lane ? Heck, I live in oncoming traffic.
It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year. We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.
when I`m quiet, strangers look at me and think I`m shy. People who know me think: OMG! he`s thinking! EVERYBODY RUN!
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
I always drink responsibility I make sure that someone is responsible for buying me drinks.
I like to think that people that unfriend me wake up months later regretting that irreversible and life altering decision.
I hope daylight savings time hasn`t thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing.