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When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren`t my kids but he`d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I love my car. Without it, I would not be where I am today.
I think I really have an amazing butt. Every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say "what an ass.."
I hide from people too, so I get it bigfoot, I get it.
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
If the shampoo and conditioner in her shower are not the same brand GET THE F*CK OUT, SHE`S A MAN!
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
I`m just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I`m still looking.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It`s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
If I had a time machine, I`d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.
I`m gonna just take a quick nap before I go to bed.
Baby Polar Bear: Mommy, am I really a Polar Bear? Mother: Of course you are. Why? Baby Polar Bear: `Cause I`m fukcing freezing!"