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Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you`re looking for a business manager.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
My mind is exceptionally quiet.... I am suspicious that I am up to something I don`t want myself to know about.
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice!
boss- "You cant drink while your at work!" .. me- "Oh dont worry im not working!!"
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is “love,” but it’s actually “floor”
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
It`s a bird.. it`s a plane..no wait..it`s a blade of grass....
I wish there was a room where we could go and see all the stuff we have ever lost.
Dear whoever ate my fries while i was in the ball pit at McDonald`s... grow up!!