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I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Be honest, you haven’t even walked a mile in your own shoes.
Women have all the answers, to all of your questions, and you don`t even have to ask.
Guys that try to pick up girls on facebook are pathetic. Girls if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
I can`t help but feel insulted when that voice on the speaker calls me a Walmart shopper.
Girl rule. A girl will only compliment another girl that is uglier than they are.
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
I like to punish people who ask me how I`m doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
To all the students who drop out of high school: Remember two things, 1) You tried your best. 2) I don`t like pickles on my BigMac.