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Kiss me I`m Irish, put a little tongue in it, I`m French too
Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
My brain is giving me the silent treatment today.
One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right? ... Inspirational posts are hard.
You`ve been on more hotel pillows then chocolate mints.
Go to China on honeymoon. Get intimate with Husband. Tell child that they were "Made in China."
loves poetry, long walks and poking dead things with a stick.
Dear Fork, I understand that we haven`t spoken since I ran away with dish, but I thought you should know that you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely, Spoon
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
"What`s wrong?" "Oh it`s personal" Then, why`d you post it to Facebook.
I know it’s rain but I hate when my coworker tell me how many inches they got last night.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
A friend of mine told me i have to update my self and I asked my self : does he mean there can be a latest version of me?
Oh really? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take to mind your own business