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I hope Iām the last guy on earth ā I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
Types of like on facebook: 1.Stalker like. 2.Crush like. 3.I wanna bang you like. 4.Agree like 5.Pity like.
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
Helpful Tip : Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license.
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
Mustaches: 1. Like them or not? 2. Should you refuse to go out on a date with someone just because she has one?
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as the Kraft Singles?
My favorite sex position is, "don`t tell anyone we did this".
If "Cops" has taught me anything it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they`re nothing but trouble...
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.