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Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.
There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.
There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from vacation.
"Hey, man, just called to see when you`re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too." -Radio Stations
How can I love nature when it did this to my hair?
It`s amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people`s mistakes.
u smile i smile u laugh i laugh u cry i`ll go get a bat and say who`s gonna get it
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
If cleanliness is next to godliness, then my car is Satan`s chariot.
My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...
Son, you don`t get anything in life without trying hard and working for it. Now be quiet, there about to announce the lottery results...
You lost your phone and it`s on silent? Too bad. If you liked it then you should`ve put a ring on it.
I`m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I`ve been to in the last week that`s had "insufficient funds".