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Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.
When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life
Taco Bell drive-thru should have a “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
Oh, I thought you were talking about napping. In that case no, I`m not good in bed.
Let`s lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can`t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
I honestly have a fear that one day I`ll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
Just when I think my confidence couldn`t be shakier, some shitty website tells me I have a "Weak Password"
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed
wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"
Instead of LOL, try SALTS ( smiled a little, then stopped)