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Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
I run entirely on caffeine and inappropriate thoughts.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
This rough sex would have been a lot better if I wasn`t alone.
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
Your selfie would be way better if you weren`t in it.
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
This status could be yours for 3 easy payment of $8.99, get in quick because this offer won`t last for long, infact there are only 5 left.
My level of sarcasm has reached a dangerous level where even I don`t know if I`m kidding or not.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad."
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
Don`t just be one of those people who stares at their phone or computer twelve hours a day. It`s important to also watch some TV.
morning i hate girls evening i need girls
The moment you empty your vacuum cleaner is the moment you become a vacuum cleaner.