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Memories of you make me look forward to alzheimers.
Dear neighbor mowing your yard this morning, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I can`t believe The Stones are still doing it after all these years. Someday I want to have a marriage like Fred and Wilma.
Who me? Oh I`m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun
I have never walked toward the exit of a supermarket without nervously wondering if I`ve stolen something.
did you notice when you yell "yo ugly" about 10 people turn around
I`d like to be poor for a day, because being poor everyday gets to be real annoying after awhile.
I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft.
Just watched The Grey. The wolves left half the Mexican .. to spicy??
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
If I ever get off this couch, I’ll be unstoppable.
If you can make a woman laugh, you`re almost there. If you`re almost there & she laughs, now that`s a different thing.
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.
Friends who buy you food are friends for life.