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I`m "oh my god, gag me with a spoon" years old.
I don`t really want to make bad choices; but I`m always late, and all the good choices are already taken..
I love to start my day by getting on Facebook to see who is a whiny little bi!ch today.
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right for this Monday
I`m convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
I read Facebook for the pictures.
As My Wife walked by, she said, "NICE PORN STASH!" which got me all excited and I preceded to show her where I hide the really raunch stuff. She then clarified that she was talking about the ugly hair I`ve been trying to grow above my lip, and now, I have neither... :)
I may be evil, crazy, insane and f*cking naughty but I do have some good traits, I just don`t dwell on them.
Girls these days be like `I wanna get the Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet`N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice tan look`
I like people the most when I`m by myself.
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. Iām not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.