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Alway be nice to anyone that has full access to your toothbrush.
Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Anything is possible when you have no clue what you`re talking about
If men could have multiple orgasms, lotions would cost more than an iPhone.
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
If you go for a jog and you don`t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
It`s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids.
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Is it just me, or did anyone else wake up on the SEXY side of the bed this morning?