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I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
If thought bubbles appeared above my head, I`d be screwed.
If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
Why haven’t we just found someone ballsy enough to dress up as Mrs Bigfoot and catch him already?
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
That awkward moment when you`re telling the truth, but start laughing like crazy and everyone thinks you`re lying.
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
"When I grow up, I want to marry a man addicted to video games" ~ No woman ever.
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
I did all I can do. I can´t do no more
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
Wanna have a little fun? Post "Anyone know a good lawyer?" Then sit back and watch the speculation run wild!
i made a chicken salad the other day. little bastard didn`t even eat it.