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I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
superbowl: the only time I actually look forward to watching commericals.
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
I poured some shampoo over my speakers today and they blew up... So much for EXTRA VOLUME.
I hope your day is as nice as your butt.
New College Admissions Test ______ not getting into this college: A. Your B. Ur C. You`re D. U`re
The only problem with sarcasm is, it only works on intelligent people.
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
I`m going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more that throwing them a surprise party.
You`re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.