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My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Most of my thoughts have been coming from a very dark place lately. That`s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I will be responsible for my actions....when my actions become more responsible.
The best thing about living in the southern U.S. is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense.
Pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window.
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
I had a wet dream about you last night. Yeah, I was drowning you in a lake.
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
Folks, there`s no need to say GOODNIGHT on Facebook. NO ONE will be thinking " hey where did they go".
I live in a small town where the population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregant a guy leaves town.
You can get away with farting at the zoo because you can always blame the animals...
My version of Heaven would be filled with all the things I`d probably go to hell for.