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Worry: a waste of imagination.
You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button.
According to Tetley the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag so i slap her arse and shout "cup ot tea fatty"
"Man, you know your bible verses forwards and backwards" - said no one ever
like this if you are against animal cruelty
The closest I got to a 4.0 at university… was my blood alcohol level!
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
You`ve got to love yourself. But not in public places.
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
I hate it when someone starts to tell me something, then says "Never Mind".
You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk...
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"
Living alone is pretty cool, I don`t even know if my bathroom door closes