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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
Winter needs to calm the f*ck down
If doing things was as easy as thinking about doing things Iād get a lot more done.
Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people
I`m not saying we should kill all the incompetent people. I`m simply suggesting we remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
After reading some marriage post, I`m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind ... I`d be SO skinny!