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If I like you, I’ll let you hold the TV remote when we watch TV. If I love you, I won’t take the batteries out of it beforehand.
Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
SCIENCE FACT: If you close your eyes, you won`t be able to see.
yo fellas how did that "wow" comment you left on that girls facebook picture play out
If my girl didn`t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn`t have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.
You know what`s the best part about waking up early? Nothing, it sucks!
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you`re gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.
im so hungry, im farting fresh air
Lets watch a reality show about nasty rednecks acting like rednecks, but get mad when one of them says something a redneck would say
Merry Christmas week! The time when it’s totally fine to put Peppermint Schnapps in your coffee every morning!
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense if humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.