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The guy below me obviously doesn`t know that R2-D2 is in movies, not television
What thinks the unthinkable? An itheberg.
At this point I`m guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
When you put ‘aspiring’ in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I’m unemployed.
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
We`re all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.
If I drank, I`d have a lot funnier status updates on Facebook than I do now. Well, at least I`d think they were funnier.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes. But we all know I`m hilarious.
Coffee eyedrops! Another million dollar idea.
I`m painting a blue square in the backyard... so Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.