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When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
NEVER go to a wet t shirt contest drunk. I won 2nd place.
lol I rotfl
What if in like 30 years they made a film about Leonardo DiCraprio and how he never won an Oscar…and the actor who played him got an Oscar.
Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew who has to follow the Kardashian’s 24/7.
I was the hot single in my area the whole time.
Knock knock... whos there? Cows go... Cows go who, No, cows go moo
Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.
A woman saying "I`m not mad at you" is like a dentist saying "You won`t feel a thing."
Learn to fight like you`re the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.