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Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That`s pretty far-fetched.
Sometimes I wonder how people who don`t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
List of things I’ve accomplished today: 1. Accomplishments List
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas...
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
National no bra day wasn`t as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.
Is anyone else`s alcohol tolerance too high for their paycheck?
Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f*ck themselves is PRICELESS...!
Education is a process where we waste one half of our life learning how to waste the other half of our life!!
It`s funny how my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I`m on my way home.
You`re always ahead of schedule when it comes to disappointing me.
I always get this dream where I`m driving in reverse ...Then I wake up and see that I`m driving normally.
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!