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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
Making an effort in the last of 2014 to cut away distractions so I can spend more time with my iPhone.
Was born with a rare condition called "Amazing"
I`ve been hiding from exercise. I`m in the fitness protection program.
Im not sure Im comfortable with the fact that there is now a bunch of people in white coats furiously scribbling notes behind a big glass window while im talking to my therapist. Im suppose to just "ignore" them.
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
I was going to LIKE and compliment your FB pic, but I`m not a good liar.
I hate taking down Christmas decorations just to put up Halloween decorations...
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you`re hot.
Facebook: The only place where you get excited when strangers follow you.
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
I thought `Pokemon` was a Jamaican Porn... My bad...
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells "CODE RED, CODE RED" really loud then people scurry like mad.
I can think of other ways to eat fresh, but I`ll settle for this subway sandwich.