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Saw a post stating "taking it one day at a time," so I responded "me too. That`s how days work."
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I`m camping, I won`t be covered.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
You are so selfish! You´re going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night!
If a bra is called an `Over the shoulder bolder holder,` then would you call men`s underwear `Under the butt nut hut?`
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
hey single people..tomorrow is officially `rebound day` after all the ridiculously high romantic expectations end in `epic fail`
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
I just changed my WiFi password to "blowmefirst." I can`t wait for someone to ask me for it!
Sometimes I can`t figure out if I`m in pre-school... high school.. oh wait, I`m at work.
Secret Web Cam Test: Please nod your head yes if you can read this.
In order to avoid hating myself in the morning, I sleep till noon.
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."