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When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
Some days Iād like to take a chainsaw and cut a few branches off my family tree.
so I got really drunk last night, but I was good and took a bus home. the only problem I have now is I dont remember where I put the keys to the bus.
Why is it called stealing when your WIFI is trespassing in my house?
I had been dreaming about eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone! :O
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...
Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
"Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
Love your enemies; after all, you made them!
What do you mean casual Friday does not mean drink wine and get drunk at work
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense if humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.
I have an inferiority complex,,,,,, but it isn`t a very good one.