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I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
My death bed confession is going to be epic!
Facebook would be much more interesting if they let you decide, which part of the body you wanna Poke.
We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can`t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away
I received an email from a hacker that had accessed my bank account. It simply read, "LOL".
cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore.
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
B!tch Please, your only fan is the one on your ceiling.
Today I think I`ll send out texts saying "Hey, I got a new phone and lost your number. Can I have it again?" ...JUST to see how many responses I will get. ;)
If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn`t, you should know that I ignored you first.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She`s 97 today and we don`t know where the hell she is.