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The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
No, I didn`t say I was a taxidermist. I said, I can stuff your beaver.
Dear Santa, I was framed!
Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.
You bring everyone a lot of joy ... when you leave the room.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
Half-Drunk is a waste of money.
I`m sexy and I know it really is....... your slutty and you blow it.
I just don`t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
Maybe I`m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
I`ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.