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Did you guys know grammar police rhymes with humorless a$$hole?
If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
Dogs lick each other`s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
I put a dollar in one of those change machines once. Nothing changed.
Your duty as a friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
I`m a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off a bunch of sh!t all at the same time.
ROFL!!….. LOL jk i’m still in my chair.
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
Vaginas are like the weather. When it`s wet, it`s time to go inside.
I´m not insensitive, I just don´t care.
I didn`t know until this week that so many people I know are politicians...