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Just saw someone holding a sign that said "Honk 2 impeach Obama" You`d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
It`s Monday. I`m refreshed and ready to hate my Job
off to bed...evil schemes don`t dream themselves up.
I often wonder how things worked out for that guy who grabbed the bull by the horns.
I don`t hit the "Like" button on my own statuses because I am self-centered, it`s just that I amaze myself sometimes and I want to show my appreciation!!!!!!
The guy who invented wet t-shirt contests probably has no idea that shirts can just be taken off.
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
How to get laid: 1)Lay on bed... Wait 1 hour until lay becomes past tense
I´m on a whisky diet. I´ve lost three days already!
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
"Well, now I see how you came up with the word `Microsoft`." -Melinda Gates (on their wedding night)
awkward moment when the dentist is talking to you with his hands on your mouth
Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes
I like to think that people that unfriend me wake up months later regretting that irreversible and life altering decision.