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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
Let´s drink tequila till you don´t remember what I suggest next..
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
The bible says you can`t buy your way into heaven but there isn`t a church in the country that won`t encourage you to try.
My Therapist told me not to drink while I`m on my Meds but little does she know...I`ve been off my Meds for almost a week now!
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
Nothing tests that whole "for better or worse" thing like the question "does this look infected?"
Time is precious. Waste it wisely.
You know you`re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
She deleted and blocked me so I guess you can say we`re taking it slow now.
Make yourself indispensable at work by hiding everything.
im so hungry, im farting fresh air
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!