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When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.
"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
You know it`s a good night when you wake up with gum in your bellybutton.
Spicy food is like BDSM for your mouth
Guess what I saw today ... Everything I looked at. ;)
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at WalMart than I do at the gym.
Why don`t you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
If you recieve something that says,”Send it to all your friends” , then please don`t consider me as your friend.
The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.
Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.