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“Swearing is unattractive” I’m not attractive anyway so f*ck off
I was thinking about selling my old phone but I think it knows too much.
I did responsible things all day so tonight will consist of nothing that even resembles responsibility.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
It`s all fun and games until the cops show up.
One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.
I`m not saying your opinion is stupid, I`m just saying you`re stupid for having it
Are you always this stupid? or are you just making special effort today...
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that`s the last thing I need.
I`m high as a kite! Let me rephrase that: I`m stuck in a tree.
Went to a nudest camp once and all I could think was.. these are the people you see dressed in Wal-Mart that you don`t want to see naked.
I bet people who like their own statuses wink at themselves in the mirror too.
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.