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ALCOHOL - Because no good story ever started with someone drinking a glass of orange juice.
Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
Thought I saw a kangeroo today turned out to be a greyhound taking a dump !
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
Is going to bed! Hopefully the Cleaning Fairies will come and clean my house tonight! Wishful Dreaming i guess!
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
I love you more each day as my other options diminish.
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
I`m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I read in a book somewhere that we only use 12% of our brains....I wonder what the other half is for?
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well…my phone number for a start.
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well