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Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
when i have children im going to make them watch 2012 and tell them i survived all of that.
When I found out my toaster wasn`t waterproof, I was shocked!
Life Rule #17: Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, ...just incase.
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
I get my cardio from caffeine...
Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you`re going to jail.
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
"Wow! That Lean Cuisine really filled me up!" ... said no one, ever.
Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.