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This would be a "Good Morning!" status update, but it`s not, because morning sucks.
I`ll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted.
I found my wife through online dating. So, she`s definitely got some explaining to do!
I`ve got this great new drinking game where you take a shot every time you want to get more drunk.
Non alcohilic beer, for people who like to pee but hate that annoying buzz.
Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
Relationship Status: ( ) Single ( ) In a Relationship ( ) Married ( ) Engaged ( ) Divorced (X) Waiting for a miracle
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
The best black Friday deal ... sleep - $0.
I`m a crabby a$$ bitch before my coffee ... and after
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now