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I thought the movie `fast & furious` was about my sex life. I`m fast, my wife is furious.
I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
I dont want to sound like a badass or anything but I play Wii without the wrist strap on....
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
I dance like people wish they weren`t watching.
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
Plug your headphones into a banana. Everyone will leave you alone twice as much.
Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.
Be the type of gentleman that holds the door open for your girl, but smacks her ass as she walks in.
I woke up early this morning with the strange desire to get up and exercise. Fortunately I rolled over and closed my eyes really tight and the feeling went away.