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I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
why do wise people never make wisecracks?
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".
I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(:
Knock knock Who`s there? Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"
Don`t mistake my middle finger as an offer.
Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? "It`s open."
Do you think we like to sing in the shower because we all love a good soap opera?
I don`t care about Disney lying about the Prince Charmings out there. I`m more annoyed that random woodland creatures won`t clean my house.
Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT
You don`t know true competition until you`re one of the last two people in musical chairs.
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.
I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...