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I’m crazy but not “LeBron is better than Jordan” crazy.
Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
Whenever I screw up at work, I`m so glad I`m not a doctor.
people say i talk in my sleeep , but no one at work seems to notice
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
apparently telling my girlfriend her acuracy is as high as a magic 8 ball wasn`t a good idea.
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming.
Do these people in movies who wander off into the woods alone at night not watch movies?
I Like this quote. I dislike this quote. I am so clever that sometimes I don´t understand a single word of what I am saying.
Maybe I`m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule
Did you ever wonder why the cat was in the bag in the first place?