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Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won`t need to adjust her driving.
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.
My anaconda really doesn`t care if you got buns or not.
If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don`t hit me again officer...
With so many things coming back in style, I can`t wait until morals and intelligence become a trend again.
The pizza guy just said "see u tomorrow" ...
In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds ... How is that person still alive?
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
Folks, there`s no need to say GOODNIGHT on Facebook. NO ONE will be thinking " hey where did they go".
If you want to go running with me, you`d better be prepared to walk a lot.