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Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
More food should come with prizes inside it.
Turkish ruler Erdogan was at the White House this week. Sources say he arrived very early so he could beat the crowd.
I think that there are two things that we can all agree on: Boobs.
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
This pill bottle says `Take with plenty of fluids` and `Don`t take with alcohol`. That doesn`t even make sense
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
I`m trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.
You don`t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “well that’s not going to happen.”
I dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It`s not a beautiful poem, but it`s very deep.
It`s so frustrating when your hitman doesn`t answer the phone after you`ve made amends with someone
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
This post was going to be really funny but I didn`t write it down because I was totally sure I`d remember it.
I don`t like morning people ... Or mornings ... Or people.