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Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
It`s amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people`s mistakes.
Dear Costumer Service: I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to you?
When the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH I read: Touch when nobody is looking.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.
You`re exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
When your running down the street on fire, people will get out of your way
Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job
I dont have awkward moments I have "special" moments.e.g That "special" moment when my "special" ex learns that karma exist..
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.