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Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.
What if pay-phones are disappearing so they can keep us in the matrix?
You know you`re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature`s.
I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.
The difference between beer and your opinion is that I asked for a beer.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can`t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I am so clever sometimes I don`t even understand what I`m saying.
Early reports indicate I`m gonna be drunk all weekend.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine.
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
Some people are flirting with my delete & block button
Today I caught myself smiling… I was thinking of you… Don’t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don`t have Cancer! Me: So it`s working...