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A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
You health nuts are gonna feel real stupid when you`re laying in the hospital dying of nothing.
Going to: ? Paris ? New York ? London ? KITCHEN... I`m hungry
If you`re ever held at gun point, just remember, I`m behind you 100%.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
Literally saw someone get a tattoo of a camel on their toe.
I hope this snowstorm doesn`t impact my schedule of aimlessly wasting my day online.....
"Half a dozen" because saying `6` is way too long...
I own a shop selling `CLOSED` signs. We haven`t had a single customer today.
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
“I need to stop,” I whispered as I clicked next episode.
Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one`s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.