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I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out
I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I`ll be notified immediately.
I f*cking hate you. Hope that clears things up.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing & they live for 150 years. Lesson learned
Did 4 push ups & 2 sit ups then ate 4 doughnuts & drank 2 beers. It`s called balance people!
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
I wish my bladder had a snooze button.
The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...Hahahaha lmao! No I`m kidding, it`s her boobs.
I don`t know if my stomach is growling cuz I`m hungry or if that`s my liver crying cuz it`s the weekend.
I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too.
is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf´s a minute
My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.