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Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
To be truthful from deep down ... I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn`t know you did that for fun.
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
6 inch - about right, 7 inch - cant complain, 8 inch - f*cking perfect, 9 inch - a bit much, 10 inch - its hurting my insides, 11 inch - I cant take it anymore, 12 inch - I`m absolutely f*cking destroyed ... Aren`t pizza`s just awesome.
"Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.
A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.