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Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
I wonder how many dads named their sons Luke just so they can say "Luke, I am your father."....
The older I get the more I understand Squidward`s anger.
I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.
Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that`s over with.
My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
What a lovely winter we`re having this spring.
You know you`re old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!
So bored at work I can`t even think of something to goggle
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.