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You`re as useless as a referee in the WWE
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
Sign: "No alcohol past this point." Translation: Bet you can`t chug this entire beer, right now.
Give a fish some bread and he`ll eat for a day. Teach a fish to be a flying piranha and he`ll eat for a lifetime.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose beer.
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck then it could be a dragon doing a duck impersonation.
One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling, "help! shark! help! " I just laughed, I knew that shark was not going to help him.
It`s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most.
"If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun" ~ My son apparently
Where do all the ice cream men go in winter?
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn’t make the cut.
I need a job that pays at least 10,000 dollars an hour.