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A person who is bad at math should never take a calculated risk.
The adult version of Operation is trying not to break a tortilla chip while dipping it into a jar of salsa.
Dumped my multiple personality girlfriend yesterday. She took it well, not so well, and she was really upset...
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he`ll just have to mow around me. I`m not moving.
I like having an ex ...it gives me something to do on Facebook at 3 in the morning.
Do you ever order a club sandwich just to feel like you`re a part of something?
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
People pay to sponsor animals in the wild and get pic updates on it. Well if anyone would like to sponsor me I will send you a selfie a day.
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
are you free tomorrow ?! no I am f**king expensive !!
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
Alcohol – The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance “medicine.”
Do you think people will start blaming auto correct for there marriages breaking down?
Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don`t cut it.