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Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
I`m the kind of crazy you weren`t warned about because no one knew this level existed.
Life is a constant battle between my love of food & not wanting to get fat.
(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"
4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot how to reduce their fractions.
I`m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
People were shocked when they found I wasn`t a good electrician. :-)
MY MISSION IS COMPLETE!!! I have successfully wasted a little bit of your time today :) carry on!
Whenever somebody said they did something "Like a Boss" I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it.
I finished your laundry, the ashes are in the fireplace.
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch