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The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
Chocolate is a flavor of milk, and milk is a flavor of chocolate.
You health nuts are gonna feel real stupid when you`re laying in the hospital dying of nothing.
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
You can`t fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too...
Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children, don’t know very much about children.
*Sees my name in a math textbook* class: *stares at me* me: "yeah b!tches I bought 60 watermelons"
I`m not a bitch, I just have a low bullsh!t tolerance.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
I went to see the doctor today for my annual check-up. The good news is the he says I`m healthy as a horse. The bad news is he uses large farm animals to
I get very competitive at "All You Can Eat Buffets."
B!tch, please! You`re so fake, even barbie is jealous of you
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.