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I wonder how long I can keep "eating for two" before people notice I`m not actually pregnant.
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
A graham cracker is just a white dude selling coke in the ghetto.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I’d love to punch them in the face.
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "You`re making a scene."
I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!
Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. :)
Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change. And spiders. Be scared of them too.
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.
I`d like to give you a big thumb`s-up. But I`m afraid that would be the wrong finger.
If our phones were really smart, they would tell us to get off of Facebook and do something meaningful or constructive with our lives.