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My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
My next relationship will be with someone who thinks "Wine" is a perfectly acceptable answer when he asks what`s for dinner.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn`t look stupid.
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
Yes, Facebook says we`re `friends` but, trust me, I wouldn`t hesitate to punch you in the face.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as “that weird thing I did for a while.”
I hate waiting until I`m dead. I want to haunt people now dammit.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "THERES ONE." -same guy, you`re british.
Why do pickup truck commercials think it`s very important that I`m able to tow a plane?