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If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
When I die I want Charlie Sheen’s life to flash before my eyes.
My view on chocolate: God’s way of saying, “No hard feelings,” to those of us who aren’t getting any.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great
No matter what`s happening there`s always part of me that would rather be taking a nap or drinking.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem solver.
I like to go to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at cupcakes.
roses are red, violets are blue, god made everyone beautiful, what the hell happened to you?
Remember when you thought you’d have it all together by the time you were the age you are now? LOL