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common sense is like deodrant. the people who need it thr most never use it.
Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
363 shopping days `til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.
Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I`m facing sexual harassment charges.
My fake plant died because I didn`t pretend to water it
If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.
If you`re going to be stupid, don`t do it on Facebook.
Why doesn’t McDonalds have an order taking microphone on both sides of the car, yet?
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can’t even make her a mix tape anymore?
Unless your name is “Google”, stop acting as if you know everything!
Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.