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Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
"10 Totally Epic Reasons Why You`re Going Straight to Hell" - 2013 version of Ten Commandments
Sometimes I wanna copy someone´s status word for word and see if they notice.
Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body!
As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
"is Pepsi ok?" - my coke dealer, tryin to be funny
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If my fridge had glass doors I would still stand there and hold the door open.
Dear McDonalds cashier, Don`t give me that look, there`s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don`t forget the toy b!tch.
Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.
Is food porn star a thing yet??
Why is powdered milk called ‘Instant milk’? Actual milk is far more instant.
Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don`t cut it.